The retreat was wonderful.  I got so much peace, it was hard, but the spirit of God was so strong.  Julie and Lora were great, they really show concern and it really helped me to know they really did care about me.  Talking out all of my pain and anger would have never happened if I wouldn't have gone.  The place was so peaceful and beautiful.  I have never known what forgiving myself would feel like.  Being at the retreat made me capable of forgiving myself truly.  My pain was so deep, but God used Julie and Lora to help me live again.  I'm so glad I went because it healed me in many ways.  I feel like the world was lifted off my shoulders.  The peace a person will get from the retreat and counseling is so wonderful, and I thank God for blessing me with wonderful people like Julie and Lora.  You'll have a new definition of God's love.
                                                    Thank You God!

Letters to the Children

Dear Jesse,
    Oh how I love you, my child.  What a sustaining peace I now have knowing that you have forgiven my selfish act of taking your life.  It was truly a dying moment for me.  I do so value your life dear Jesse.  I'm sorry I did not value it then.  Your life has such worth-not only in the kingdom of heaven, but for me here on earth as well.
    I want you to know, son, that even in your death you were (and are) a great blessing to me.  You are the reason I have truly given my life to Christ and know of His awesome love and mercy for me-a sinner.  Because of that horrible sin of abortion, I begin to understand the depths of God's love and the meaning of that precious sacrifice of Jesus Christ, His Son.
    You see, I have finally crossed the river.  For years I have been struggling in its deep currents to make it to the other side.  But I wasn't going anywhere.  That river was the river of guilt, shame and denial.  I did not realize I could not swim it alone.  What a wonderful feeling to give that struggle to Jesus.  When I did, he took my hand and instantly, I was stepping out of the rushing water.  He loves me so much, but you knew that already.  I am so thankful for His amazing grace.
    I envision you holding hands with the Lord, looking down on me and smiling.  He is smiling too.  It is so good to think of you now.  Before, I wouldn't let myself.  It brought too much pain, shame and guilt.  I closed that horrible memory out of my mind, but in doing so I closed the door on you.  I am sorry for that.
    My thoughts of you now are bittersweet.  It has been hard to admit and face that I chose to take your life.  And yet, I know you do not condemn me just as Christ does not.  Through His sacrifice on the cross I have been forgiven and have been able to forgive myself.  I do look forward to the day when I shall see you in Heaven.  It will be wonderful to stroke your cheek, ruffle your hair, hear you laugh and feel your hugs.  It will be a treasured joy that I anticipate greatly.
    The Bible says to be thankful in all things.  Now I can be thankful for my suffering.  The Lord can use me to help others cross the river.  I can tell of what Jesus did for me and help them take His hand.  I can share my story and show them Jesus' unending love and mercy.  All because of you, my Jesse.  Your name means "God Exists" and hallelujah, He does!  Until we meet again in that glorious place, I will be loving and praising God for you.
                                                Momma
 
 

"Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them; for it is to such as these that the kingdom of heaven belongs."  Matthew 19:14
 
 
 
 

Dear J.P
    I love you.  I'm so sorry for being selfish and full of pride - and not letting you live.  Please forgive me.  I've thought about you every day for 22 years.  You'll always be my little boy.
    When I picked up the baby doll representing you - I couldn't look down at you - I felt shame.  I trust God has forgiven me, I have forgiven myself, will too forgive me?
    I love you darling.  You're such a part of my life.
                                                    Mama

" For it was you who formed my inward parts: you knit me together in my mother's womb."

Dear Victoria,
    I love you.  I can visualize you with blonde curly hair.  You're such a part of my life - There hasn't been a day when I didn't think about you.
    Victoria will you forgive me for not standing up for you when my mother forced me to end you life?  Believe me, this is my biggest mistake and regret of my life.  I Long to hold you.  By God's grace I will enter heaven and will see you and your brother.
    Please Victoria know that I love you darling.
    Please Victoria I beg you to forgive me.  I love you my Baby.
                                                    Mama

"My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret"    Psalms 139:15

Dear Betsy,
    It was so long ago when God touched my womb and placed you there.  Please forgive me, I really wasn't aware that you were a real baby.  But I do know now that God in his perfect wisdom and knowledge was aware of your 2 month old body in my womb.  I have had peace and joy because I know that you are with Him now and have been since my terrible decision to end you young life.  I wait for the Lord to return even more because I know that I will get to see you and hold you.  Your family is saved and we will all be together.  Thank You Lord.  I love you Betsy and Thank the Lord that he has wiped away your tears that you must have had because of my mistakes.  Your family knows about you and I hope they come to cherish you like I do.  You will never be forgotten.  I love you
                                                        Mama

  "Then little children were being brought to him in order that he might lay his hands on them and pray."

Dear Jacob and Rachel,
    As the years have passed, I often wondered what you looked like.  I would cry because I wanted to hold you close to me.  I felt I was worth nothing.  I never knew how happy you really are until the night God sent you to see me.  I remember touching you, your skin was so soft and your hair felt like silk.  You looked so beautiful with your white gowns and the light that was around you.  I reached for you and I heard what was a precious little cry which said so clearly, Mommy we Love you and we forgive you.  I felt as if I was in heaven for the time you were by my bed.  I remember seeing the white shadow of someone kneeling and holding you as if God was saying they are okay.  The feeling of peace made me want to go with you.  To see your precious faces was like giving birth to you and hearing your very first cry.  The overwhelming feeling has made my eyes open wide.  The amount of Love God has for His children is completely beyond my comprehension.  I know how peaceful you are, and you're happy, so happy in Heaven with Jesus.  I know that it is okay to forgive myself.  I will always remember your precious little faces, and now I can live again because you're safe in Heaven, and I will see you there again.  I love you both so very much Rachel and Jacob.  My precious babies you have given me more understanding and peace than I ever thought I deserved.  Thank You
                                                            Love Always
                                                             Your Mother

  "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life."    John 3:16

Dear Grant,
    I had written a letter to you when I believed you to be a girl.  God has since told me different.  I now am sure that you are a little boy who God named Grant.  I'm writing another letter especially for you.  It's very difficult for me to express the pain I feel when I think of what might have been.  I'm sure that God had wonderful plans for your life.  The life that I ended just a short time after it began.  Although your life was cut short, your existence has done wonderful things for me.  It was my love for you that brought me to know God, and what could be more wonderful than knowing that there is someone who loves me no matter what I've done.  God has forgiven me, I have forgiven myself, and I know in my heart you have forgiven me as well.  I anxiously await the day we meet in Heaven.  I long to hold you in my arms, and to give you the mother you so well deserve.  Until that day, know that you are thought of and loved everyday.
                                Mom loves you Grant

Back